living vicariously

chocolate cake, and nice people....

I've spent the last week in LA. It's good to be home. Seems like I don't really know where home is lately, though. I spend so much time traveling now that I rarely sleep in my own bed. Even in LA I'm on the move continuously. Traffic, meetings, dinners, more traffic. I can't complain too much though. I think I'm starting to figure it out. Once in a while the timing is off, but if you try to leave the city after 3:00 you can plan on sitting in the I-10parking lot for a couple hours. But this morning I drove to the airport at 5:45 and it would be considered heavy traffic in any city except LA. I made it to LAX just in time to have some coffee, grab a magazine, and get situated between a sweet Asian man and a wonderful Utah woman. At least the conversation was good, even if it was too early to function correctly.

I'm extremely sore right now. I've changed my workout back to the Santa Monica stairs again for my time in LA. I love the stairs. About 120 cement stairs full of LA's finest fitness junkies. A few strange characters, and some really really slow people who kick out behind them after every stair trying to give the person behind them a dent in their head... But for the most part everyone abides by the rules... I can't get enough of the fresh air, ocean view from the top, and extremely efficient cardio. But sitting on a plane for hours with really sore muscles is torture.

Right now I'm connecting in Salt Lake City. Sitting in a restaurant in the airport catching up on emails, phone calls, and having a chicken caesar salad. My waiter is sweet. Smitten, but sweet. The kind of waiter that gives special attention. He's slowly asking me questions about myself, which is kinda cute in a way. Guess it probably makes his day go by a little more quickly. I don't mind. A lot of people ask me if I get a lot of people bothering me, but I don't look at it like that. I like to be friendly with everyone. I like to chat, and enjoy life as it goes by so quickly. But sometimes I also find myself needing to put a thick wall up around myself. This is such a terrible world in some ways. It scares me a little. Just reading the yahoo home page gives me this urgency to look over my shoulder. Like I'm not safe anywhere, even if I'm protective.  But for the time being, I don't mind the waiter. He kinda brightened my day with his brutal honesty. 

I get to have dinner with my brother tonight. I can hardly wait. I miss him so much. It's been a long time since I've gotten to spend some one on one time with him. We're so much alike, yet completely opposite. Sometimes I feel like we can live vicariously through the other. Best of both worlds. Guess if you knew both of us you'd understand what I mean.... Tonight we're celebrating his birthday. Over a month late. That happens when you have a schedule like mine. But as long as chocolate cake is involved I think he'll forgive me.

As of now it looks like I have to go to my gate. My lunch bill is mysteriously taken care of, free of charge. I never know how to react to that. It's not something you get used to, people being nice even though they don't know me. I'm a nice person, so I know that if they did know me they would still like me...so I guess I don't feel so bad about it. There's too much bad in this world. I feel the need to make it a little bit better, even if it's one person at a time. My waiter just made me feel good inside from afar, so I guess he did his part today also. Even if the yahoo home page scares me, sometimes random kindness makes up for it just a little bit.

I love...

...sunshine, chocolate, puppies, wine, the sound of laughter, happy healthy children, my family...

I love surprises, junk food, good music, ambiance, the ocean, long walks, good company, and knowing someone is listening to my heart when i talk...

I don't love long lines, short dinners, bad hair days, empty gas tanks, or onions...

I want to love old movies, music I haven't heard yet, drinking more water, and a dog of my own...

Happy Valentines Day!..

I'm not a big fan of Valentines Day. I can understand why some people love it, and others hate the thought of it. Personally, I think my world would continue along just the same without it, so I'm impartial completely. I don't really talk about my personal dating life on my blog because there are some really odd people who try to keep up with the details of my life... So, all I'm gonna say is that I had a great day. That's it. I'm not sad, or heartbroken, or wondering about love... I'm content. I'm happy with how everything is going in my life at this point. I surround myself with only the best people - so it would be impossible for me to be unhappy.

Love is a funny thing. It's so painful sometimes, and so necessary... It's an ability. Some people aren't capable of it. Others won't allow themselves to embrace it. I love love. I'm one of those. I love the feeling of it, but still have a difficult time understanding it fully. I almost hope the day never comes where I understand it. That would mean that I would stop trying to figure it out, stop trying to bend and shape that emotion. Part of the joy of life is the manipulation of our hearts. Our relationships with people who we deem necessary to our happiness. People who's happiness is essential to our own.

I hate to dedicate all of my thoughts today to this 'holiday' that I don't completely agree with. There are more important things going on right now that I could chat about. But it seems like everywhere I look I'm reminded that it's a big deal to a lot of people. A constant question for the day. And tomorrow. I guarantee that tomorrow I'll have 27 text messages and 9 phone calls from people asking how my day was. Why don't those people check in on me all of the other days of the year? Maybe call me on a Wednesday in September and ask if anyone sent me flowers. And if the answer was yes then we'd actually have something worth talking about....

So tonight I'm watching a movie alone. It doesn't mean that I'm alone. Or that I'm lonely. I'm simply relaxing by myself, enjoying the moment. I've been extremely busy lately - an insane schedule - and it's great to have some time to be still. I'm still surrounding myself with people who I care about, who care about me. I feel loved. I feel love.

You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love.

Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. Love is the creator of our favorite memories and the foundation of our wildest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all - one known only by those who love.
               

traffic & poker

I'm back home after my 5 week trip. I ended up in Monaco for 3 weeks, Barbados for 1 week, and St. Barth's for 1 week. My journey home was miserable. Not only did I not want to leave the beautiful setting and lovely people, but somehow my flight schedule got confused and it took me 2 whole days to get to my final destination. I can't say it was completely bad. A few good things happened along the way, but by the time it was over I was completely exhausted.

Now I'm in LA. I sometimes forget just how bad the traffic situation really is here. When people tell you how bad it is, you can multiply that by 10, and that's how bad it really is. It can't be put into words. The shortcuts are all packed, and every main road is a parking lot. Absolutely impossible to get anywhere on time. It does, however, give me the time to catch up with my phone calls to the family. If it weren't for LA traffic I'm not sure that I would actually speak on the phone at all.   

Being out of town for so long has put me behind on seeing all of my friends. I'm trying to make time for everyone, but I'm running out of lunches. And dinners. I have a few business deals I'm working on right now so that adds to the pressure. It's bad enough to worry about the meetings, but here you also have to worry about making it anywhere on time. When I first moved here I thought everyone in this city was flaky. Never on time. Showing up fashionably late. Now I understand that it's part of the deal. Never make plans between 5 and 7, unless if you don't actually have to drive to get there. 

The LA Poker Classic is going on right now. I've been playing in this event for the past 3 years now.  I'm really excited about this event. Even though it may sound funny to the people in the poker world, I find it to be one of my favorite events. I have so many good memories from the LA Classic. It's like being home. They have preliminary events every day, and the main event is coming up in a week or so. This week I have 2 events to play. Tuesday I'll play the no limit event, and Thursday I'll play the re-buy tag team event. Just walking through the lobby is difficult with all of the familiar faces passing by. Sometimes I think I know everyone in the building....

the world

I'm waiting for my taxi now. Just made the trip by boat from St. Barths over to St. Maarten. My flight leaves in a couple hours. Looks like I have to connect in Miami, which is a very bad thing. The line for customs is always a nightmare in the Miami airport... It's gonna be a long day.

My trip has been fantastic. I can't complain.. I'm anxious to get home and take care of things. My life has been put on hold for the past 5 weeks while I enjoyed my time over here in paradise. I have to say that my mind is clear and for the first time in a long time I feel focused and ready to make some major changes and decisions. I have a few business projects I'm working on. I'll be in LA for the next week or so to work on that. I've been thinking about purchasing a company, but with the market right now I'm just not sure if it's the right move... Guess I'll have to look at the numbers and think more on it...

I'm watching the news as I write this. I'm so sad for the world. So many killings and bombings, people are inhumane. I'll never understand it. They are talking about the suicide bombers, martyrs. Religion has caused so many deaths, and my mind races with hatred and love at the same time. I can't watch the news anymore without getting emotional about it. I'm amazed at the evil in the world. My life is relatively secure, safe, and in some ways sheltered. I try to let my mind get around the reasoning that these people have for the things that they do, but I'm incapable of understanding ignorance. I can't fathom something in my head making me believe that it's ok to ruin lives.  To make people suffer.

I should stop watching the news when I'm writing. It affects me. Makes my mind lose the spark of happiness that I've strived so hard to keep throughout life.

I'm grateful for my world. I'm the happiest girl I know, and I make decisions to keep it that way. I base my life on the fact that it is what I make of it. And I've made it a life that I'm proud of. One where I surround myself with people who love me, and people I respect.

Now I'll be flying all day. I don't mind it too much. Some of my best thoughts come to me while I'm traveling. Watching people go on their way to destinations for all reasons. I love the mystery in it. Wondering who people are and what their lives entail.  I'll try not to think about the hatred and crime. I'll focus instead on the good in life. The people who love and care for each other the way it was meant to be...